She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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