did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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