my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
