just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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