Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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