Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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