I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
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