Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Randomize