i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
