It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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