You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
