It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
