i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
