My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
we're so committed to being not committed
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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