i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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