Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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