I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
