____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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