John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
