we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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