I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
