i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
