I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
