Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
