Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
