I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
