barbara walters just said penis...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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