shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize