I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
