Four minutes until I can fart!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
