i already hear my dad disowning me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
