Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Girls should come with a carfax report
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
