I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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