this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
