I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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