i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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