Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
