Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
