Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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