Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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