and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
