Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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