You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
