I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
