I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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