There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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