Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
