get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
