My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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