She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
