God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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