Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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