I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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