Jerry, you need to find god
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
