Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
