I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
