Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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