Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
