I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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