I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize