Already got asked if we're dating
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
