omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
