Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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