If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
