What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
They are going to name an STD after you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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